Valentine’s Day 1779 was not exactly a Bed of Roses for Discoverer Capt. James Cook.

If you know the history of Hawai’i like I do (OK, like the internet and me.) Then you’ll know that Captain James Kirk…OOPS, I mean Captain James Cook (hmm, I wonder) discovered and first named The Hawaiian Islands after the 4th Earl of Sandwich, John Montagu (yes, the bloke who invented that delicious repast.) Hence, he called them The Sandwich Islands. But unfortunately for The Cap this particular discovery was ultimately his demise!

Back around August 1769, when The Cap heard about these strange far off lands in the Pacific, he decided to head out that-a-way in the companies luxury yacht. He must have been having fun as he bunny-hopped throughout the Polynesian Islands and reached Australia’s coast, returning to England three years later. He’s credited for putting famed Botany Bay, Sidney, on the Western map! (Wait! The Botany Bay? Hmm again.) Also, he was the first European to cross the Antarctic Circle, almost reaching the continent of Antarctica. However, his ships got separated so he turned toward Tahiti to replenish them.

The Cap was so successful they promoted him to Commander and let him take the yacht back out for another party run. It was then he found a lot of other interesting places: Easter Island, New Caledonia, and those South Sandwich Islands (he called em “Sandwich land” at the time…cute, aye!) However, to keep this short the Cap didn’t investigate the Sandwich Islands till his third voyage (1776-1779.) And on that last run, well, not so good luck.

The Hawaiian islands had been pretty sheltered for centuries until The Cap returned in January 18, 1778, and stepped ashore at Waimea on Kaua‘i. Everyone got along swell. The English traded some brass medals for mackerel, and The Cap provisioned the ships by exchanging chisels for hogs. Meanwhile the sailors happily traded nails for sex. Landing parties were sent inland to fill casks with freshwater. After their brief stop the ships set sail again, both parties happily waiving Aloha to each other.

Then, a year later (still island hopping) winter weather forced the crew to return to Hawaii, in their ships the Discovery and the Resolution, landing on the Big Island, January 16, 1779. (Hmm, the Discovery now why does that ring a bell?)

Anyway, by coincidence The Cap happened to arrive during religious festivities, and shucks if the Hawaiians didn’t mistake him for the god Lono (god of agriculture, and fertility, rainfall, music and peace.) But after a month’s hospitality, the crew had overstayed their welcome. And when a sailor died, the Hawaiians knew these visitors were mere mortals, not gods. Inadvertently, these island visitors broke many kapu or taboos, and the once-friendly relations became quite strained.

Finally, the ships sailed away February 4, 1779. But, the mast on the Resolution was badly damaged so The Cap sailed back into Kealakekua Bay and dragged the broken mast ashore on February 13th (wonder if that was a Friday the 13th?) No more parties and trading for stuff with the Hawaiians. Instead they hurled stoned, and stole some boats from The Cap‘s vessels. So The Cap hijacked one of the Ali’i (a nobleman) and roughed him up pretty badly. That really angered the Hawaiians!

Epilog. Well, next day, February 14th, The Cap made a fatal mistake. Emboldened, he went ashore with some mariners to try and nab (or convince) King Kalani‘opu‘u to accompany him back aboard ship and hold him Ransome. Meanwhile, his crew onboard were firing on the Hawaiians on shore, and so the Hawaiians wouldn’t let The Cap and crew get back to the ship. So The Cap pulled a pistol and shot one of them. Oops!

The Hawaiians went wild. A Lieutenant Phillips, in charge of the mariners who came ashore, began firing on the Hawaiians and The Cap shot two natives. Badly outnumbered the sailors headed for boats standing offshore. According to Lt. Phillips’ log, Captain Cook stood helplessly in knee-deep water instead of making for the boats…he could not swim. Hopelessly outnumbered, he was knocked on the head then countless warriors passed a knife around and hacked and mutilated his lifeless body. Some Valentine’s day.

RUMOR CONTROL: The Hawaiian’s did not eat Capt. Cook! Ancient Hawaiians (unlike fellow Buckeye Jeffrey Dahmer) were not cannibals. However, they did believe the power of a great man lived in his bones. So, they cooked parts of Cook’s body to easily remove the bones for use in talismans and such.

EPILOG. Still, we try to find a silver lining. If The Cap had never happened upon the islands, can we really be sure they would have been annexed by the U.S., their Kingdom overthrown, and Earl Derr Biggers eventually vacation there in 1920 to recover from ill health and think of the perfect murder in The House Without a Key (1925). Well, OK maybe someone else would eventually have found the islands on google maps, but I’m just trying to be positive here…Happy Valentine’s Day!

“The man who is about to cross a stream should not revile the crocodile’s mother

The Black Camel, 1929, Chapter 7